Living in New York, and coming from the former USSR, I thought my two homes were New York and Baku. Until I found that I neither connected to Baku, nor did I connect to New York. It was mostly because I didn’t remember Baku and New York was a place of formality to me. People move to New York to achieve their business dreams. New York has almost everything and what it doesn’t have, it compensates for it with new ideas. I love New York, don’t get me wrong. Opportunities here are vast. But do I call it home?
I don’t know…
It’s always nice to have a change of scenery sometimes. When I am in New York, I seem to lack the desire to move around. Life here for me seems mostly like a job. I have to be here to make the money and nothing more. I want to have fun, but the fun here seems empty. Going out to the club, spending my hard earned money all seems invalid. Everybody always tells me to be happy in the moment. When the moment passes, it’s never retrieved again. We have to enjoy our time on this earth. Even though we have a goal to accomplish, we also must consider the journey is a part of life as well. Once the goal is reached, another one will arise.
Will we spend our lives striving for the future instead of doing for the present?
This question is very seriously revolving in my head in many different aspects of my life. I know that I belong in India. I know it because my soul sings there. But I have to be here in New York so that I could live comfortably in India. I know the logistics to why I’m doing what I’m doing. I’m just confused about the present. I’m confused about my life. I’m a little stressed too. Stress goes hand-in-hand with money. People don’t understand how much money can hurt us until they are lacking in it.
Money is the thing that everyone wants, but it is also a thing that everyone fears losing.
And when we fear something, we already undo its importance to us. Fearing the loss of a loved one already removes your vision of importance in them. You disagree, right? Some of you are thinking, “But Alice! Fearing the loss of a close relative means we love them and we don’t want to lose them! Losing someone is bad, isn’t it?”
Yes, loss is a hard thing to comprehend. But it isn’t a bad thing.
Loss is inevitable. We cannot fear something that will happen. There are some people who even go so far as to fear the word ‘death’ because they are afraid of the occurrence. They are so enraptured in the fear of losing someone that they cling to their worldly beings. I don’t cling to worldly bodies. We are not important in our lifetime. Our bodies don’t mean much in life. It is our energies that contribute to the continuance of life that is important.
Am I afraid to lose my loved ones? Not as much as I’m afraid to lose their energies. I want to be with my loved ones more because I want to converge energies with them. I want to keep them motivated so that they amass the proper energies. And my greatest fear is causing my loved ones to lose their positive energies. I try to do all I can to give them the proper tools to collect the right energies.
They may mistake me for selfish.
They may become hurt by my methods of awakening them.
And at that point, I’m not afraid of letting go.
When we try to help our loved ones and when they are not responsive to our help, we cannot push ourselves to do what we aren’t capable of doing. That’s the real truth. Letting go isn’t bad. Loss isn’t bad. We have to be able to discern between what’s better for the universe to exist rather than what makes us feel better.
Letting go of New York was probably premature on my part. Now I see it clearly. When I arrived in India on the 3rd of August, all I wanted was to stay there forever. And I loved every minute. (Yes, there were a few hiccups along the way. Life isn’t perfect anywhere.) I felt at home. I felt like I could breathe more freely. I felt like I could look at the world in a better way. I smiled more. I laughed more. The panic attacks came less frequently until they disappeared. Disease? What disease?
The food tasted fresher,
The birds chirped louder,
The trees seemed to dance in the wind.
And throughout the entire experience,
All I felt was bliss,
New York used to be my home. Now it’s just my living space. I’m not complaining. I’m grateful to be here. I’m grateful to be lucky enough to work here and I couldn’t be more thankful to my dearest mother for being the strongest person in the world to take us away from my scumbag of a dad. But eventually, we all find our niche. I found mine. And I thought that it would be mine forever. I thought I’d never come back to New York even though I knew that I had to.
Don’t remove yourself from things that aren’t over yet. Do not give up on anything, dear dreamers. Appreciate the journey. Until you are perfectly sure that this chapter is over, stick to it.
Be honest. Not only to others, but to yourself.
Alice in Wonderland